HAIKU 

flashlights don’t talk back 
why do you, flashlight hater 
TURN IT OFF! QUICKLY! 

* 

the end draws nearer 
this hurtling ball of doom 
man I’m so hungry 

* 

staples hurt my hands 
I staple them to the desk 
I really should stop 

*

rainbows and candy 
large explosions and cy-borgs 
lollipop-gumdrops 

* 

don’t consume the glue 
your lips may stick together 
not good for talking 
  

Confrontation 

My dreams are filled with terror 
Incomprehensible fear 
There’s not really much I can do 
For my nightmare draws ever near 

Of a horrible monster that hungers, 
That swings from tree to tree 
His appetite unmatched 
But for his inquiry 

This curious monster does seek me 
For his name is curious George 
And I fear that when he finds me 
His appetite he’ll gorge 

My fears may sound quite odd 
But fear him you would too 
For when he eats your family 
There’s not much you can do 

At current I am quite hidden 
Though I fear it’s not forever 
My curious chaser is quick 
And my life he intends to sever 

At last the demon approaches 
With compulsory banana in hand 
His horrific howls cut through me 
As I prepare for my final stand 

"Damn your unquenchable gut! 
Damn your inquisitive mind! 
Is there not a thing you want not eat 
Nor a thing you cannot find?" 

At this the monkey spoke 
So you, I will have to eat 
I will cook you over a fire 
For you look like grade A meat" 

"Never!" I screamed , as I raised my fists 
Preparing for a good one on one 
For my family! I spat as I knocked him good 
Then I started to have some fun 

For Billy and Jimmy and Sandra and Sue 
I picked him up and punched him blue 
And for my wife I threw him down 
This evil monkey was through 

I tied him up then drove away 
And found the nearest bridge to there 
I threw him off to make him pay 
Made sure he drowned with tender care 

So, this is the end of his horrible hunt 
The end of my horrible chase 
The end of his stinking monkey life 
And his stinking monkey face 

End 
  
  

PAINTING 

Paint chips are our friends 
Their taste is just like lead 
Just do not eat too many 
Or you could end up dead 

You may just go insane 
And that is real okay 
So eat ‘em up, yum yum yum! 
And have a wacky day 
  

Curse the Coconut Tree 

Curse the coconut tree 
and curse it’s rotten seeds 
If only you could know of 
it’s awful, awful deeds 

I now am but one half a man 
without my own two legs 
I rue the day I scaled that beast 
and gained these very pegs 

Plucking the ‘nuts off of the top 
I noticed a monstrous crab 
He scared me half to death he did 
I fell, not a thing to grab 

Still I was uninjured 
lying there on my back 
Until the bastard coconut 
hit me with a smack 

My legs I quickly amputated 
without one hesitant thought 
Then I subdued the coconut 
good god, oh how it fought 

I beat him to submission, 
Then sliced him full of cuts 
Then cracked the monster open 
and ate his inner guts 
  

My Radioactive Adventure 

Being giant and green is fun 
but then again so is a gun 

It can be unsafe and very bad 
and sometimes it’ll make you mad 

You can get so very red 
that you make some people dead 

The only thing that you should do 
Is sit right down and think it through 

Ask yourself why you are green? 
And why you’re acting very mean 

Quite soon you’ll find a neato cure 
It’ll work, I’m very sure! 

So if you grow with super height 
Recall this poem with all your might 
  

The Meaning of Life 

The Iguana sits staring at me 
He makes me contemplate the meaning of life 

Are we all Iguanas on the inside? 
I for one enjoy siting on a nice warm rock 

What do Iguanas eat? 
Do they like mashed potatoes? 

Mashed Potatoes are my favorite 
It gives me great pleasure to eat them 


POULTRY 

Rotisserie chicken 
How beautiful thou art 
Rotisserie chicken 
Never shall we part 

Rotisserie chicken 
Endlessly rotating 
Rotisserie chicken 
Forever circulating 

Rotisserie chicken 
From Swiss Chalet 
Rotisserie chicken 
I will eat you today 
  
  

My Ceiling 

Sometimes when I look up at the stars I think, 
Do other creatures inhabit their solar-systems? 

If yes, why do they not they say hello? 
Or stop by for a quick spot of tea? 

Why are their stars green unlike our own? 
Our own is white and yellow, not green 

Why do their stars glow brighter? 
Brighter after I shine my flashlight on them? 

And why, why are they attached to my bedroom ceiling? 
My star is in the sky, not the ceiling! 

My parental unit tells me that they are stickers, 
Foolish "mother", I will inform her soon 

Men do not grow to the height of my bedroom ceiling 
No manner of creature could reach so high 

Stickers cannot glow with the blazing intensity of a dim lightbulb 
Nor can they talk to me, the  voices, the voices

1997/98